Let's put it into words.

Was I living my idea of happiness or someone else’s? That was the question that ultimately led me on the path towards creating a new life.

Risky Business: the Unknown

I’m a naturally risk-averse person, but like all human beings, I’m complex. I make careful budget calculations and I take work very seriously, saving excessively for rainy days and investing in pension plans from an early age. But I’ve also taken off for the other side of the globe with nothing but a university acceptance letter in my backpack, expecting to solve housing and everything practical on-site. I’ve approached Chamonix by bus at the crack of dawn on New Year’s Eve with three brand new friends, knocking on restaurant doors to find work for the season even though everyone said we’d come too late. I’ve thrown myself off a 90 meter bridge with a rubber band attached to my ankle, I’ve skied down rocky crevasses, and I’ve paddled my surfboard to catch waves I didn’t know if I could ride.

When it comes to dealing with risk and the unknown, my mind is split. Sometimes, I let faith carry me, and sometimes fear keeps me up at night, playing out worst-case scenarios on its horror-movie screen. I wake up from restless slumber feeling bone-tired, willing the day to pass so I can catch up on sleep. Decades on this planet have taught me this: my fears are usually unfounded, they teach me very little (apart from saving money, which has often been a good thing), and they hold me back from life. So why hold on to it?

Fear and Finance

Fear is the basic emotion we all have to either overcome or learn how to live with. I had to overcome fear when leaving my relatively safe career behind to create a new life as a freelance writer. This choice activated my all-time fear, which is running out of money, and was a much more difficult jump than some of the daredevil ones I’ve attempted earlier in life. There was also the question of possible failure, but in the beginning this felt hazier and less real than the more practical worry that money brings.

I think most of us, when prompted by a friend or paid therapist, can trace the root of our basic fear back to a cause that makes us say ‘Ah, of course, that’s why’. I certainly could. When stripped of its story and hung out to dry in broad daylight, this fear doesn’t always seem rational. I come from a home that was careful with money and attached proper weight to the handling of money. Being properly financed came to equal being a proper adult. And a proper adult doesn’t throw a perfectly good job overboard to walk the thorny freelance writer path. But I’ve also seen firsthand how my parents’ generation seem to have more money than they actually need at the end of life. They travel excessively, eat out several times a week, and buy new things. I’m a converted minimalist and I don’t need these things in my daily life now, so I’m fairly certain I won’t start needing them when I’m retired. What would make me sad in my sixties or seventies is never having tried.

It’s My Life

In the end, I had to decide for myself: was I going to live my idea of a life, or someone else’s? And so, I decided to walk into a new life. It lacked road prints, directions and goals at first, so I had to let my emotions guide me. This was a first, and it became an amazing learning experience. Another discovery was that mundane, daily life is enough to make me happy. Time with family, hanging out at home and deepening my existing friendships make for a perfectly full life. I also feel better when I spend less, travel very little, and put down roots so my family can grow and thrive. Life changes; it becomes new. And everything else, including money, can generally be worked out. Fear is something that’ll never leave me completely, but I try to make it my friend. Sometimes we’re together and she teaches me things about myself just by showing up, sometimes I go off on long stints without her. Since I also have other friends, I cannot let this relationship dominate my life. It would suffocate me, and I’d become unbalanced. So I seek out faith, who is another friend and who inspires me to take a leap, to try the unknown and take a chance at a new life that requires much of me but carries the seed that might grow into something to cherish.